Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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