love makes seman taste better
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Randomize
