Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
