Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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