Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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