never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
