my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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