You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
