My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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