you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
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He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
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Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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