Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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