I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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