Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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