:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
