I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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