Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
