I am puke
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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