The maid of honor just puked.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
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he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
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apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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