Non-Jews are for practice
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
