Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
