My friends, they love my intelligence
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
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