Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I party with great urgency now.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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