apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
