Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
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