I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
