Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
