the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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