My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Randomize
