I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
