just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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