There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
