our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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