My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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