I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
