the condom got lost in my hair
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
