I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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