i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
