Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
