Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
