$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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