Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Randomize
