pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
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my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
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Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
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