All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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