I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
