I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Randomize
