He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
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I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
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First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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