did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
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The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
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You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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