you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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