i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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