I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
