Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
