What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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