my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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