She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
