His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize