That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
