Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
