i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
