I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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