You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
